In public, I appear put together.
But in my heart of hearts I know I have lingering issues that go so deep I am afraid to explore in fear of uncovering things I’ve worked so hard to bury in my subconscious.
Truth be told, I’ve been doing it for so many years, I am just uncertain what is buried…
I’m unsure what I have said or done to make people think that I’m doing well.
Wait a minute! I do know. I put on a front. And I do it with precision, because that’s what the world wants to see. So that’s the show I put on for my audience.
People talk about being transparent, but in reality, they mean for you to be transparent “just enough” without bothering them with your real life problems.
Yes, people are self-serving. And I am definitely one of those people.
Over the years, I have learnt the art of being stoic and not showing emotions — because that reveals weakness, or so I thought it did.
When I was a young child, my parents taught me that I have to “hold it together” and controlling my emotions instead of allowing it to take over my mind, body, and soul.
You see, my friends. From a very young age I was already training my entire being become who I am today.
AND I HATE IT!
I struggle with my purpose
Note: This is NOT an invitation for you coaches to reach out and sell me your “Purpose Finding Course.”
If you’ve spent a minute on social media, you must have seen how people talk about finding their purpose (or why).
And if you are committed to finding yours, they can help you (for a huge fee!).
I struggle with mine. A lot! Often. Daily! I know I do. But I have yet to address it, because I’m afraid I don’t have one.
It’s noble to want to find your purpose. Why are you here on earth for? Are you put into someone’s life for a reason? Did you cross path with an old friend for a cosmic reason?
What if, my purpose for existence, is just that, to exist.
Life doesn’t pause just because you are having an identify crisis. It is no excuse for not hustling and working towards your dream. I say this as if I have been through it. I have!
When I was laid off from my first job as a front-end developer, I fell apart.
Even though I was only 22-years old, I did not envision my career path disintegrating this fast.
Of course, I couldn’t find a job either. Because it so happened than I got laid off during the dot-com crash.
I worked at Target for a while on the overnight shift. It paid $9.25 per hour. There I was, a graduate with a bachelor’s degree, putting cereal boxes and toilet paper on the shelves of Target.
You would think, now that I’m running an ad agency, that I have it all figured out. Right?
Far from the truth! We all try to cover our true self, the version of us that scares us, from the public.
How many people have you truly told you that they know, that they know, what their purpose is in life? And how many care to admit they don’t know what theirs is?
I still haven’t uncovered my purpose, and I don’t pretend that I am trying — because the truth is, I don’t know where to start.
So I will continue to do my best to be my best and pray that is enough to get me through each day.
I sit outside my backyard in silence
I stare into the night skies, play with my dogs, and do what I do best — block out the slightest thought of what I am really feeling.
I wish I could scream into the darkness (but my neighbors might freak).
There are nights when I came close to letting it out. Of course, liquid courage played its part. But I refrain myself.
Blocking out the barrage of reality, the thoughts, my deepest emotions — what really bothers me, why do I feel detached from many people, how did I end up here, how the hell did I make so many mistakes in my life…and on and on.
Before I know it, it’s already 2am! And I still hear the questions haunting my mind…
It only comes down to one answer. I hate myself. I do not like who I have become. Or perhaps, I never liked who I was to begin with. I’m uncertain.
But there’s one certainty.
Life has a funny way of dealing its cards. And you don’t win every time — I certainly lose often. But I have a secret weapon — a self-preservation mechanism. I refer to it as the lack of emotion.
I deprive myself from true emotions. I suffocate my soul from experiencing real emotions. I starve my mind, body, and soul from being enriched — so when shit hits the fan, I can ignore it.
But that’s so cowardice. It really is.
I have allowed my mistakes to plague me. And so the poison spreads and manifests itself through my actions, words, and thoughts.
Of course, these are self-inflicted. And no, I’m not playing the victim here. These are just the things that I experience during my time alone — in the quiet of the night.
I Expect Way To Freaking Much
I don’t care whether who, what, how, or when.
If there’s any expectations in your life, you’re planting the seed of evil — you’re digging your proverbial grave to lie in.
This is most likely why I secretly suffer from anxiety. When I tell people not to have expectations, I am subconsciously “expecting” them to not have expectations.
Now, isn’t that hypocritical? Damn straight it is!
I expect my children to do well in school. I expect people who work with me to delivery amazing results. Every day I expect things to go a certain way. I look for signals and react in concert with how things go — does it meet my expectations or not.
I have unreasonable expectations of reality. I guess you could say that I am living a double-standard life.
I do expect a lot from people. And the worse part is, I do it so passively that it has become second nature to me.
And that’s why I have never seen it as a problem.
I get depressed and suicidal
“Life is so hard, I just want to die!” We have heard someone say this before, or even thought about it — in our own mind.
Or how about these…
“Nothing is going right in my life…I just want it to end!!!”
“Everyone is against me. I can’t get a break in life”
Yes, my friends. I have moments in my life when stress got the better of me…when everyday life seemed to much to bear.
When work and life throws a bloody hurricane at you, sometimes, in moments of weakness — you give in and just let yourself get swept away.
Truthfully, sometimes that helplessness of being thrown from wall to wall
Well, if you’re perfect then perhaps not. But I certainly have thought about it. Does that mean I’m a nut job and need to be admitted or get help from so-called mind-wizards (psychics or psychiatrist)? No sirree!
I have imagined what it’s like to cease to exist. Yes. I’m aware enough to admit that. And I think it’s a lot healthier for your mind and body if you’re able to admit those thoughts — rather than harboring it, and build a ticking time bomb.
I Fucking HATE social media
Here’s the deal. And I know it will fall on deaf ears. But SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL LIFE!!!
Let me say it again. SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL LIFE!
The daily vomit of posts you see on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc…do not depict reality. And your interactions on social media SHOULD NEVER dictate your real life.
Once, I saw friends posts pictures at an event — one that I wasn’t invited too by my so-called friends. I was furious beyond anything!! HOW COULD THEY BETRAY ME LIKE THAT!?!?!
I used to care about how people engage with me on social networks — and embraced the idea that social media represented my existence and was an extension of my being.
Then, I grew up! I woke up! You could say I started how much garbage it added to my life.
Face it. When you spend too much time on social media, all you’re wasting time and feeding yourself jealousy, desires, hatred, disgust, and dissatisfaction with your own life. You’d be insane to tell me otherwise.
The amount of toxicity and poison you allow to pollute your mind and emotions with social media is at an unprecedented level.
Children and adults get physically and emotionally affected when their “social media friends” removes or blocks them. My friends, it has come to this. Yes.
People are putting too much stock in social media friends and are starting to disconnect from reality.
But I am biased.
I love social media when it comes to work because my ad agency offers social media advertising services; and yes we do a fantastic job at it!
I keep myself busy as a distraction
I don’t need you to be honest about this.
After all, I’m sure it’s so much nice to read about those entrepreneurs who are “crushing it” and bragging about how many new clients they are signing up every day!
By the way, that’s total B.S. at a whole new level.
But I digress.
Many times I create work for myself. I realized, from a very young age, that if I keep myself just busy enough — even being unproductive — but busy enough, then I block everything else out.
It gets even worse. Because when I’m actually done with client deliverables, to prevent myself from falling into the abyss of my life struggles, I come up with nonsensical tasks for myself.
I start engaging in mindless activities this like clicking back and forth on websites, scribble on my notepad, attempt to play League of Legends, reading articles, binging on TV shows (while drawing a blank)…and anything else that I can muster up.
Keeping myself artificially busy gives me the excuse to not address the real issues in my life.
Let me clarify — before you go down the wrong rabbit hole. No, I’m not an alcoholic (some may differ), I don’t do drugs, and I certainly don’t commit crimes (of any kind!).
My issues are rooted deep in my upbringing, my core beliefs, and my feeling of entitlement.
But keeping myself distracted mean I don’t have to deal with it (reality).
I can tell you, that if you are in the same boat, it will haunt your days and affect every aspect of your life — and it’s deadly when it becomes so naturally to you that you don’t even realize you are throwing your life away and wasting precious time.
Why am I sharing all this?
If you’ve read this far, then here’s the reason for all this.
Whether you’re an entrepreneur or not, it really doesn’t matter. You could be the CEO of a company or a taxi driver, a millionaire or barely getting by.
The point is, we all have real issues to deal with.
And sometimes, the best therapy is to write them down so it serves as a reminder — a memoir of sorts, that you can come back to.
I am putting this out to the universe because I realize life is a bitch a times. And it punishes you with no remorse.
It is up to you to push back.
But it is also up to you to face your demons. And if you decide to go mano-a-mano with yours, expect your world to be rocked.
