Mistakes happen. We’re only human. But especially when your blunder makes national headlines and costs your company billions, heads will roll–starting with yours. Follow this guide to ensure that yours ends up on a pike so you will never have to work in marketing again.

In this article:

• Setting Up the Guillotine: Simple Guidelines
• This Month’s Top Performers
• From CEO to C–Uh-Oh: Marketing Strategies
• Don’t Be Like These Executives
• Choose-Your-Own-Axeventure

Setting Up the Guillotine: Simple Guidelines

Itching to tank your reputation, company, and career? Follow these easy steps to flush it all down the toilet in bureaucratic style:

Be convinced you know best.

Being the boss means you get to make the big decisions. Consulting with other executives, employee groups, or advisors about your message or ideas is pointless unless you surround yourself with yes-men. They will offer insight and tweak your idea in a way that you might not have considered, and that opens you up to other considerations that give you a clearer picture. Don’t fall into this trap.

Keep your head in the sand.

Consumers don’t really know what is best for them or what they want, and everyone should think the same way as you do. Setting up consumer and employee surveys about what they desire will only open you up to spending time to get things done right and thoughtfully, which could make you appear as if you rely on other information than that which is in your head from your personal experience.

Don’t compromise your pride.

If anyone pushes back against your ideas, demote or fire them. Better yet, if things do go south, keep them around for an easy scapegoat to sacrifice in case they implement your idea in the wrong way by listening to what you said, not what you meant.

Put money before mortals.

You’ve got a multi-million dollar home (plus a couple on lakes for summer), 30 household staff, a jet and 2 boats to upkeep–and that’s the short list. Between that and your lifestyle, plugging up the profits from trickling down is vital to maintaining your affluence. The minimum wage hasn’t changed, so obviously your employees are doing fine because you’re paying them more than that. They’re working overtime and profitability is soaring, and reaching those targets is what should bring them satisfaction of a job well-done. That’s reward enough.

Serve yourself on a silver platter.

Spout your opinions in as public a way as possible, and don’t think about how your message will be received. Tweeting, Zooming, emailing, Slacking, or otherwise publishing your communication through spreadable platforms make it easier to spread so that workers and customers who are upset can gather force by helping you go viral. 

Apologize half-heartedly, but only after you’re called out.

Don’t think about what you have done, and if someone comes to you privately about your actions being problematic, brush them off and wait for it to fester. Apologizing quickly or earnestly will only slow or prevent your face-first dive onto the chopping block. Waiting until you get caught by the masses and are called out by them helps you to look disingenuous, and doing anything but offering a grumbled apology out the side of your mouth makes you look introspective.

Don’t offer reparations.

Whatever you do, don’t take action to make it “better.” Or, if you do, do as little or as surface of a change as possible. You said what you said and you did what you did, and you know you’d do so again in a heartbeat. Coming up with a well-thought-out, collaborative plan to undo the damage may mean that you avoid getting the axe with people giving you another chance. This should be avoided at all costs–including those ensuing costs to your business.

This Month’s Top Performers 

We have to applaud CEOs who are prime examples of following these guidelines to success.

Andi Owen of MillerKnoll and James Clarke of Clearlink are two CEOs who truly have grasped the concept we are sharing here and have been crowned the King and Queen for April 2023. 

Owen came first by finishing off a 75-minute meeting by emphasizing the importance of worrying about reaching company targets and not about their yearly bonuses (employee base pay median is $44k yearly, so like, totally plenty). Don’t worry–although this sounds reasonable to start, she puts the icing on the cake by implementing a condescending tone, abrasive gestures, and off-putting turns of phrases like “leave ‘Pity City’” and doing a gestured mic drop accompanied by a cringeworthy “boom!” 

Later, when this clip went viral beyond company firewalls, she hid behind an email and sentiment that this was supposedly meant to be a rallying cry to inspire her underlings. We who know better are laughing with her–she is NAILING this poor cover-up of an apology that is sure to be seen through as a fumbling, insincere response. 

[Insert golf clap here]

Not to be outdone, days later Clearlink’s Clarke joined his company-wide video meeting ready to compete for the race to forced resignation. He spoke with a soft tone, which is a great way to reel them in before spitting in their faces. He seemed truly disconnected and amoral in his speech: praising an employee as an example who sold his family dog due to the requirement to return to the office, telling single mothers who work for him that they’re doing their children and their company a disservice, and dismissing employee questions as “litter” and “nonsense” while challenging them to up their output by 30-50 times over. Bravo!

Note that Clarke has NOT issued any sort of apology. Nice! To make it even better, it’s important to remember that the company touts him as a noble philanthropist and the company website boasts that the establishment is all about work/life balance.  There’s nothing quite like blatant hypocrisy to help sharpen the blade!

You can join their royal court by doing any from the above section. Or, if you’d prefer, you can take a different route and lose the confidence of your customer base. Read on to learn how!

From CEO to C–Uh-Oh: Marketing Strategies

You don’t have to keep things internal to ensure you get out of the marketing biz–these marketing strategies also can help get you closer to the executioner’s block and take your company down with you:

Fail to understand your target audience.

Knowing what motivates customers may create marketing campaigns that resonate with them and turn a profit. To get poor sales and revenue performance, be as out-of-touch with their needs as possible. Don’t let them burst your bubble.

Blend in with other brands.

The marketplace may be crowded–embrace it! If your customers  can’t distinguish your product or service from others, then you are less likely to make a dent in your goals.

Rely only on data.

Just because there may be creative solutions, that usually means listening to a diverse crowd. Data-driven marketing is helpful enough without the clutter of all of that human element.

Pinch pennies when it comes to ad & marketing spend.

Keeping a tight purse allows CEOs to follow cost-effective methods and keep a company from growing their business, leaving room for marketing-savvy competitors to cinch the markets.

Keeping it old-school.

You have your loyal customers, what more do you want? Younger generations and diverse populations will get on board if they know what’s good for them.

Stay off the apps.

Social media is a component of modern marketing that only those who want to stay informed and in-tune with consumers use. 

Go with your gut, not with ROI data.

Tracking ROI is for suckers who want to invest in more effective strategies. Remember, you know best! If it works for you, then it should work for everyone else. 

Don’t Be Like These Executives

When you tank a campaign with a half-baked, unresearched idea, when you make an utterly repulsive speech to your employees, when you finally dig yourself in too deep… don’t be like these CEOs. Rectifying their missteps took them off the chopping block and opened them up to warm, fuzzy forgiveness from their employees and customers. To call one in from the ‘90s–gag me with a spoon! Am I right?!

These initiatives were created by business leaders who failed to take themselves down: learn from them, so that you don’t face the same, job-saving fate:

Tylenol’s Response to Product Tampering

Story: In 1982, Tylenol faced a crisis when seven people died after taking capsules that had been tampered with and filled with cyanide. 

Action & Outcome: James Burke, CEO at the time, took swift action to recall 31 million bottles of Tylenol and introduced new, tamper-proof packaging. Burke also worked closely with law enforcement to find the person responsible for the tampering. The company’s quick response and transparency helped to rebuild trust with consumers. It even radicalized tamper-proof policies of the whole industry.

Starbucks’ Racial Bias Training

Story: In 2018, Starbucks faced public backlash after two black men were arrested at a Philadelphia store while waiting for a friend. The incident sparked a nationwide conversation about racial bias in retail spaces. 

Action & Outcome: Starbucks closed all of its stores for a day to provide racial bias training to its employees. The CEO, Kevin Johnson, apologized for the incident and pledged to make changes to prevent similar incidents from happening in the future. He maintained his role until his retirement in 2022.

United Airlines’ Customer Service Reforms

Story: United Airlines faced public backlash after a passenger was forcibly removed from a flight in 2017. The incident was captured on video and quickly went viral, leading to widespread criticism of the airline’s customer service policies. 

Action & Outcome: This would not stand for CEO, Oscar Munoz. He issued a public apology and announced a series of customer service reforms, including increased compensation for passengers who are involuntarily bumped from flights. After spending the previous 4 years improving the company and grooming the next CEO to take over at his retirement in 2020.

These examples demonstrate that CEOs can take concrete steps to make amends for past mistakes and rebuild trust with consumers and stakeholders. By taking responsibility, implementing changes, and communicating transparently, CEOs can work to repair the damage caused and move their companies forward.

Choose-Your-Own-Axeventure

We hope that you have found great wisdom and revelation in this installment of Fullmoon Digital Media’s Guide to Destroy Your Career. Unfortunately for us, we don’t practice what we’ve preached here. So we’re here to warn you about ourselves. 

FMDM is your marketing and brand consultant experts who actually HELP companies and business leaders who want to invest in strategic and creative digital solutions, preventing them from fumbling and making themselves look like fools. In fact, we help them to grow profits and realize possibilities–all by tapping into the wealth of potential they already have. *gag*

FMDM is THE human agency. So if you think like a robot, speak like a robot, and prioritize ruthlessly like a robot… we aren’t the pack you’re looking for. Our guidebook for ‘How to Give Your Marketing Future a Leg Up’ is waaaaaaaaay longer.

So, if you’re a sucker for actually finding success, do both of us a solid and send us a line.